DAY 1: That wedding night sex where it’s either completely amazing, or you don’t bother and just go to sleep. It’s your wedding night, which means either you’ve been looking forward to this for a really long time, or you’ve already had so much sex and you’re so exhausted from your wedding day, you just like, “LOL, we can do it in the morning.” It’s OK. Lots of married couples do that. But if this is your first time having sex, you’re running on pure adrenaline and curiosity. Also, congratulations on having sex!
DAYS 2–10: Honeymoon sex. “Honeymoon” is code for “boning a lot somewhere cool and maybe we rode Jet-Skis once.” The only reason people ever sightsee or go to the beach on their honeymoon is because they need to give their junk a break. Honeymoon sex is pretty much as good as it gets.
MONTH 2: Married at-home sex. When you first get back from your honeymoon, you’re still in honeymoon sex mode, except at home. “We’re so married!” you scream during your orgasms.
MONTH 3: Exploratory at-home wild sex. To be fair, this one only applies if you didn’t live together previously, but you start exploring the fact that you don’t have to just have sex in the bedroom. You have sex in the shower. You have sex on the sink. Then you’re like, “Hey, let’s go check out the kitchen … and fuck in it.” Then this happens with every room.
MONTH 4: Your first “we missed one day of sex” sex. The first time you miss a day of sex as a married couple, you’re in a panic. “We’re not going to be one of those couples that never has sex!” You scream as you hurriedly strip your clothes off. It’s going to be OK though.
MONTH 6: When you eventually give up on trying to juggle work, social life, family events, and daily boning. Eventually, you realize you have to compromise. It’ll start to taper off. Maybe you have a busy week and you’re exhausted, or just a ton of weekend plans. Your post-wedding sex blitz comes to an end. It was a good run though.
MONTH 7: Welcome to your regularly scheduled sex life. This is real married life. It’s different for each couple: Maybe it’s every other day, or even once a week. Eventually, you’ll fall into a natural rhythm that you’re happy with. Yes, seriously. I promise.
MONTH 9: The brutal torture that is your first sex drought. Maybe you went away on business or got too sick to have sex, which is a real problem. Suddenly, you find yourselves really not having sex, and that’s a bummer.
YEAR 1: RELEASE THE FLOODGATES. The sex drought is over. The savannas are once again kissed by rain, or whatever euphemism you use for sex-having. You hit the next week with a passion. You think it’s weird having the flu is as invigorating to your sex life as getting married, but you push that to the back of your mind.
YEAR 1 AND 2 MONTHS: We now return to your post-post-drought regular sex schedule. Yeah, this is confusing terminology, but eventually you get back into your old sex habits.
YEAR 1.5: The discovery that going somewhere else makes you want to have sex constantly. Maybe it’s the new environment on vacation or maybe it’s the fact that room service changes the sheets nightly. It might not be as sex-crazy as your honeymoon, but you still go nuts on each other.
YEAR 2: You’ve reached marriage equilibrium and the circle begins again. Like the circle of life, and also the water cycle, the married sex life cycle begins again, renewed, with crazy at-home sex.